Not feeling so inspirational today.

Blogger Marilyn Gardner in her end of year 'best of' post was kind enough to link to my blog and then mention on facebook the fact that I 'inspired her'. While I'm flattered, I also feel a little bit fakey. She, like anyone who reads what I write, only sees the bits I want her to see. 

Yes, I self-edit. Constantly. I write things (both long and short) that paint me as light and bright, thoughtful and clever, or innocently charming and self-deprecatingly funny (ok, so maybe that's not always that successful).

Marilyn hasn't seen me this week, picking arguments with my husband, telling my children to 'go away' and thinking bitter and resentful thoughts in my head as the heat seeps into my skin and I take the children to the pool again, and again answer the question of, 'Why didn't you bring any money mum????'

Marilyn hasn't seen me being rude to people under my breath, rolling my eyes or just wanting to curl up and sleep away the day so I don't have to deal with anyone else's needs or cook dinner again for fussy children who loudly refuse to eat vegetables and who only ever want cheese on toast and feeling like a failure of a cook and a parental provider, not least because the only cheese they can eat because of dairy intolerances costs $48 per kilo and it spins my head out to think how much that would cost if they ate all they wanted of it.

While I appreciate that some people like what I write, and I thank you for your frequent kind words to me, I still just need to tell you all that I'm a pretty crummy human being when I'm tired (and sometimes when I'm not). Yes, I can do pleasant, charming and even loving when I've got the energy for it, but it's all so inconsistent. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to wake up with the kind of love, generosity, patience, kindness and all the rest of it that I so desperately want but seem to struggle so hard for.

I have to admit to hoping that Marilyn Gardener is something like me. After all, she's had five children, so surely she'll understand?