Autism. Just not feeling good about all of this right now.

Sunday was an interesting day.

It was Father's Day, and Bright Eyes not only went happily to church (complete with roller skates on feet) but volunteered to answer some questions out the front.

Leader: "Now, Bright Eyes, do you know what day it is?"

Bright Eyes: "Friday."

Leader: "Well, no. It's a special day. Do you know what it is Noah?"

Noah: "Father's Day"

Leader: "Yep, that's right. So, is there something that you appreciate about your dad? Something he does specially for you?"

Noah: "Ummmm, wrestling?"

Leader: "Great, so he wrestles with you. What about you Bright Eyes? Why do you like your dad?"

Bright Eyes: "Um, I've got to think about it... I go to Kangaroo Valley Public School."

Leader: "Oh, um, well, does your dad take you to school sometimes?"

Bright Eyes, perking up considerably: "Yes!"

It was a good morning. But it got a fair bit worse.

We headed up to Mittagong for lunch with my parents. I had made a reservation at a pizza place and gotten up early to make a GF/CF pizza for Bright Eyes (which he loves) so he would enjoy it too. He, unfortunately, did not want to go. We tried all our tricks, but eventually it turned into a 'catch and carry' situation as we wrestled him into the car. 

He did not calm down much during the 40 minute trip, and we were treated to exciting ways to destroy the pizza restaurant (get birds and a whole bucket of bird poo and pour it on the top of the pizza restaurant to make it flat) or escape the situation (he's apparently moving to Kiama.)

We ditched the restaurant idea and took take away pizza to the park in the end, but even then, he was still agitated, and to my frustration, refused to eat any of his pizza.

He remained very anxious and uptight all the way home, but was fine once we got back. He even spent an hour running around the house playing hide and tickle games with the children of some friends who popped in on their way home from the coast.

Looking at it like this, perhaps he had some anxiety triggered by the idea of the restaurant, but at the time, it just felt like a disaster to me. We both felt very downcast by the middle of the day traumas and I sent this to our RDI consultant. We are asked to journal about our own 'guiding' of our child. Yes, it's the rant of a tired mind and over-stressed body, but I feel like this so often. 

"What I have learned about myself as a guide today" 

I'm pretty crap at it.

I have very little patience. I am snippy and snappy, and I am bored with autism remediation.

I want 'breaks' from it, but it doesn't seem that breaks do much except make me crosser when I get back to being 'on duty' again because I'm now not on a break.

I want RDI to be set up like ABA - someone else comes to do it and I just supervise.

I am completely sick of tantrums and pussyfooting around and thinking through 'will he won't he' scenarios. It's tiring and hard on the family.

If I had 'done more' when he was younger, he would be in a better place now. I really wonder what his future is going to be, and whether I've got enough in me to continue going.

I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong, but I don't know what they are.