More on friendship

What if someone doesn't want to be friends with you?

A new girl, Jenny, moved into our community and straight away I knew that this was someone I want to be friends with. She was outgoing, fun, interesting and I felt like I had a good connection with her. I invited her over, I did things with her and I tried to be supportive.

However, a few months later a mutual friend of ours said to me, "it's a shame that Jenny says she feels she has no kindred spirits here and feels so lonely she." I was hurt. What about me? I thought Jenny and I were good friends, but she obviously didn't think so.

There are times when the person you want to be friends with just doesn't click with you and isn't interested. It is hurtful, but unfortunately you cannot make someone be friends with you. Friendship happens spontaneously, all of its own accord and there's not much you can do about it.

Clinging to someone in the hopes that they will start to like you is counterproductive. Most people can feel a clinger and they will start to avoid them. If someone is getting too close, the other person will instinctively move away to protect themselves.

My best advice is to have a good cry and move on. There are plenty of people out there to be friends with. Sometimes the most charismatic people don't make the best friends anyway. After I got over Jenny I discovered Emma in the same community. She was quieter but more considerate and turned out to be a much better friend.

While in many cases it's not your fault that someone doesn't like you, if this happens it is worth having a look at yourself and seeing if there's something you need to change in your relating habits or in your expectations of a friendship.

Do you understand the four spaces of relationships appropriately? Do you need to improve your social skills? Do you understand that friends are not possessions to be controlled? Are you looking to ‘hitch your wagon to a star’?

If it's helpful, find someone older and wiser who relates well to people and have a chat.