I'm not so sure I'm a great parent
Some days I feel good about being a parent of four children. I'm confident, joyous, fulfilled, happy. Other days I don't feel so good. I'm guilty, unsure, wanting more and, dare I say it... bored.
A few weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to write a book about the things I've learned in parenting. Today I can't imagine what got into me.
I want to be the one who delights in them, who takes the time out for them, who always knows what to say.
I want to be the mother who does cool craft or vigorous outdoor activities with children who are always well-behaved and grateful for the time I'm putting in to their lives.
But then I realise I am so very not that person and my heart sinks and I feel bad.
I'd rather write my novel. I'd rather nap on my bed. I'd rather check my facebook news feed. I'd rather do a whole lot of things.
But then I realise that actually, I probably just need a break and a rest and a little bit of time out because everyone does and that's normal, and when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty reasonable parent, and it doesn't really matter if not everyone agrees with the way I do things or even the things I do, but that's okay too, because I'm trying, I'm not doing it on my own and I want good for my children, even if I fall over sometimes.
Parenting is such a challenge. It confronts my natural desires and inclinations every single day. It shows me up to be extremely human. And extremely imperfect. But that's a good thing. Because I'm not perfect. To try to be so is a falsity and a lie. And it won't do my children any good for me to try to be God in my children's life.
Today, I am enough. With God's help and his strength, I am all I am meant to be right now. And I can trust him for the future and ask him to walk with me in it.